Why Love is Agile

Let’s start by clarifying what Agile stands for. This term stems from the software development industry, which took a turn at the start of the century. Teams working to deliver projects in a rigidly planned manner, over extended periods of time, turned to a more easily adaptable, change-embracing approach.​

The agile principles (written in the Agile Manifesto) direct the efforts towards satisfying the client, welcoming change at any point, and delivering frequently at a constant pace. The work is performed in a self-organized manner, by motivated people who collaborate daily, while communicating face-to-face.

Things are kept simple and well-designed while making the product work is the primary measure of progress. The team places great emphasis on reflection, improvement, and adjusting its behavior accordingly.

It is safe to say that Agile is a mindset that proves to be useful not only in software development, but also in other industries, and its users apply Agile elements in their personal lives as well. Some, even in their romantic relationships! In relationships and the coaching process, elements of agility can be applied to create thriving connections and personal growth.

So here’s why Love is Agile

  • Embracing change as a natural process in life and within a couple's relationship sets the foundation for growth and adaptability. It acknowledges that individuals and relationships evolve over time. By recognizing that change is inevitable, you can approach challenges with resilience and openness, viewing them as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles to overcome.

  • By identifying and prioritizing the key areas that contribute to relationship growth, such as effective communication, emotional intimacy, shared goals, and mutual support, you can direct your efforts toward meaningful progress. This approach enables you to allocate time and energy to what truly matters, fostering a deeper connection and a stronger foundation for your partnership.

  • Instead of expecting instant problem resolution, couples understand that relationship growth occurs through continuous learning and improvement. You can start with small, quick wins, building upon them as they develop and apply new skills over time. This iterative problem-solving method will foster sustainable growth and create lasting positive change within your relationship.

You are the clients

In your relationship, you and your partner are the clients of this meaningful project that you are also creating together. Your common purpose is a lifetime of love, joy, a sense of belonging, support, and even physical and mental health. All these can and will be influenced by the quality of your closest connections.

You can approach your relationship with intention by dedicating time to each other regularly, without exception. Continuously reflect on what each of you needs from this partnership and put the effort towards fulfilling it, from a place of deep understanding and gratitude for what you are building together. 

"You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting."

— John Gottman

Agile rituals for your relationship or individual time

  • Daily Interactions

    Similar to a daily standup in Scrum, you and your partner can have daily authentic conversations to share important events or experiences without distractions from technology, fostering genuine connection.

  • Weekly Reconnection

    Considered a "date" with your partner, this allows for retrospective techniques where you reflect on what went well, what could be different in the following week, and what brought joy or upset you. It can include exercises for expressing gratitude.

  • Intentional Planning Talk

    This involves expressing desires and expectations for the next 1-2 weeks, defining individual and couple tasks or activities, and monitoring progress. For those enthusiastic about visualizing their plans, a Kanban / Scrum board or a simple note on the fridge can be used.

  • Scheduled Emotional Availability

    Planning dedicated moments when both of you are emotionally and temporally available to discuss concerns, worries, and problem-solving. This helps address issues in a mature, calm manner rather than raising them during heated moments when emotions are intense and reactions are likely to be unproductive.

  • End of the Day Reunion Moment

    Taking the time to reconnect as a couple, showing attention to each other, and feeling listened to and prioritized.

  • ​Periodic Retrospectives

    Conduct periodic retrospectives, such as during a sabbatical period, to adjust approaches and improve personal growth. It’s useful to have open discussions periodically about where you stand as a couple, how you feel as individuals within the relationship, what you feel is missing, what fulfills you, and what you intend to do moving forward.

  • Individual Daily Check-In

    Engage in personal reflection in relation to goals, finding pleasure in daily activities, setting intentions for the next day, expressing gratitude, and identifying resources to overcome present challenges.

  • Individual Weekly Quality Time

    Dedicate time each week to spend with close friends, family, or go on dates if you are looking for a partner. Make space for attending to your personal interests and cultivating your hobbies, for a balanced approach to life.

  • Define Values & Expectations

    Clarify personal values, principles, and expectations from a partner and a relationship. Prioritize the quality of the match with defined needs and avoid compromising on essential aspects when choosing a partner.

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